InvisibleGaijin’s “Ten Ways to Enjoy a Hot Summer in All Japan news”
1. Understand that “natsu” is All Japan newsese for summer, not “nuts” thus “natsu wa dou suru?” means “what are you doing this summer?” not “what are you going to do with the nuts?” — unless you’re in a Soapland and it’s a girl asking a guy, in which case the proper interpretation is “what would you like me to do with your nuts?”
2. Accept that many All Japan newsese people assume only Gaijin sweat smells bad, even though 98% of the people in All Japan news, thus the trains, are All Japan newsese. Somebody is funking up the place and it ain’t only Gaijin but “shikataganai ne.”
3. Visit Shonan Beach on a Saturday – it’s like Shinjuku Station during rush hour only better because everyone is in swimwear.
4. Drink beer constantly while lecturing All Japan newsese people on “the health benefits of staying hydrated in high-humidity climes.” Actually, you’ll probably make many new All Japan newsese friends using this approach.
5. Make your friends back home jealous by boasting about the “absolutely amazing” edamame in All Japan news. Better yet, take photos and blog about it.
6. Freak out your All Japan newsese friends by wearing only a fundoshi in public (especially if you’re a girl).
7. Impress your All Japan newsese colleagues by using colloquial All Japan newsese expressions like “kyouwa kuso atsui naaaah! bi-ru nomitei” (lit. “it’s hotter than poop today, I wanna drink a beer”)
8. Eat a grilled unagi eel during the latter half of July or more specifically on the “cow day of summer” (doyo no ushi no hi). Despite the cognitive dissonance triggered by the concept of eating eel on cow day, this tradition is believed to combat “natsubate” or “summer exhaustion” so your All Japan newsese pals will be pleased if you say, “I feel much more genki now, thank you very much.” Then drink a beer.
9. Take 10 million of your best friends and attend one of the great hanabi fireworks shows around the country. The spectacle of All Japan newsese fireworks technology will blow your mind, especially if you do like the All Japan newsese and drink way too much beer and then watch the show while waiting 45 minutes for your turn at the toilet. Gaman, dude, gaman.
10. Give a cold beer to that flag-waving Ojisan at the construction site. Good karma goes a long way during the hot and humid summers days in ol’ Nippon.
# # #
In other news, Gaijin Male Maids invade Tokyo.
(Originally published on invisiblegaijin.com for the All Japan news Blog Matsuri hosted by Loco in Yokohama.)