Welcome to the unalloyed truth about what you *THINK* you know about trains. And, after reading this article, if you dare to complain again about the luxury in which you place your buttocks down whilst traveling your way about the city of Tokyo, I am going to get all Brooklyn on you, and punch you in the face.
We shall set the scene with a very TRUE tale from the absolutely lovely, cerulean & (what are supposed to be) white tiles of quaint, little 25th street subway station in Brooklyn….
"Rosey wasn’t late to work, but she was close.. Like anyone who had to get up at 6am to face a Monday in the City, she wasn’t fully awake. She was listening to her Ipod and while it was too early to get crunk, it was just enough to put the swing in her hips. As the train finally rolled into the station, the car pulled up to the platform, Rosey looked up and her eyes met with his.
Just inches away from her, behind the closed subway car doors was this tall, dark, mysterious man. Was it too early for a New York City cliché ? The stars and planets had aligned that morning for our little Rosey.
And wild horses couldn’t tear them apart, for their meeting was *HER DESTINY*. She would see all of him for the man he was, innocently BARING himself to her through the graffiti scratched glass.
Yes….. this man was COMPLETELY naked from the waist down, urinating on the glass windows.
Streams of warm, steamy urine slide down JUST on the other side of the door. Precision aiming was what this guy was about.
Rosey paused to take it all in. If the laws of probability had stuck a winning lottery scratcher in her jacket, an extra donut in that Dunkin 6 pack, or if even if the damn transit card machine hadn’t stolen her change………. But no, they stuck her with what would be her second shower of the day if she didn’t wake up and get the HELL out of there.
Yes friends, you can all exhale a sigh of relief as luckily, the heroine of this story escaped to the next car.
This is not science fiction hour folks, this is the NYC Transit. Every single one of us New Yorkers has a fun Rosey story as well. And you know what else? *We think* – this – is – NORMAL.
Some NYC Transit vers libre for you! Someone’s freshly spit out gum, burning cigarettes abandoned on the ground, man peeing on window, man pleasuring himself on seat, loitering, something smells like it died (and a cat pooped on it), filth everywhere, rats love you, touch nothing, it reeks, hold your breathe, is he alive? don’t look up, don’t look down, WTF is that!?!?, keep to yourself, don’t stare at Puerto Rican girls, don’t stare at ANYONE unless you have a screwdriver in your pocket, Vaseline for your face & you gonna call your girls for some back-up. I could go on and on, but we here is just a small window of NY train "spotting".
"Hello Mr. Freshly Spit Out Gum on the Floor! Would you like to take a ride with me uptown? On the bottom of my shoe?! SURE, just hop on!!!!!"
"Well Good Morning Mr. Pee on the Door Man!! How are you today!? Whew…did you eat asparagus or something last night???"
"Oh well lookie what we have here!! Mr. Pleasure Myself in Broad Daylight Man!! Top o’ the Morning to ya!!! Oh, whoah…whoah, that doesn’t look so good there… I think there’s a Planned Parenthood on 9th street. You should get that checked out man".
Now let’s get on to the proof that you should NEVER, EVER, EVER complain about Tokyo’s transit system or actually any transit system for that matter. (Even the leu, or the tube, whatever that thing is called in Britain….)
Our first picture of the Tokyo Metro is of a clock, showing the actual time… Showing the time a train arrives, a train departs… being on time. "Time…. being on time…"
You might as well tell a New Yorker you just saw Nessie rocking a rolex because that is more believable than there being an actual time-telling, clean, unbroken clock in the train station.
There is no time schedule in NY for the train. You better bring your sudoku while waiting for it. Train schedule in NY is a "suggestion" and arrival is "whenever the hell the conductor feels like it" time. Peek your head down the tunnel to look for the shining light. "Wait, is that light an angel in heaven I see? Is that God"? Exactly…..You’ll be dead before the train rolls around in NY.
Moving along, we now have here a picture of crowded trains on the Tokyo Metro. People holding you, holding me, holding each other. Ebony & Ivory, living in perfect harmony… In fact, I think I’ve been more intimate with people on the Tokyo transit system than I have been with my own husband. People get SHOVED into trains here.
Us New Yorkers, we are like rocket scientists when it comes to the trains. We calculate a very complex algorithm in our heads to stand exactly no less than 4536.23333 millimeters, squared to the 8th power, divided by the number of people you saw peeing on your train door that week. (The average being at least two).
First of all, if you want to live past your next birthday, no one shoves a New Yorker. Not only would there be a mass murder, but can you imagine being stuck like a sardine and being up against…….. MR. PEE ON THE DOOR MAN??! I think I’m just fine and dandy getting molested by Mr. Tanaka here on the Tokyo Metro.
Next we have, CUSHIONED SEATS. All Japan newsese people must have sacrificed a lot of virgins, taken the ring to Mount Doom or invented bacon in their previous lives, because God has granted them with cushioned seats on the train. Yes, they are soft, yes they are not filled with Mr. Pee on the Door Man’s drug test and yes, they are the royal red of a king’s robe!!
We don’t got no cushioned seats in NY and can you even imagine us having them!?
For starters, whatever wasn’t ripped to shreds for kindle, dental floss or maybe toilet paper for our buddy, Mr. Pee on the Door Man, could be shipped off to CSI training for practice in identifying bodily fluids. OR, maybe you might be a sporologist looking for new lichens and molds for your collection? Well, it’s here, along with the DNA of Jimmy Hoffa & Edward V of England……… "Turn on your blacklight, let it shine wherever you go"……
Our next picture shows the All Japan newsese Metro J-Team. There are actually people who exist, who CLEAN the station and the subway. Their gloves are white, uniforms pressed & ironed, their sponges are clean; you gotta a dirty problem that no one else can solve? You call the J-Team. Let me tell you, you ever see anyone cleaning ANYTHING within a 50 mile radius of a NY train station, you better call 1800-UFO-SIGHTINGS, because it’s going to be more alien than if Predator knocked on your door selling boxes of Thin Mints.
And last but not least a picture of yours truly on the Tokyo Metro…… Could I do this in NY!?
Put it this way, I think my destiny would be in better hands with Mr. Pee on the Door Man…….
Your author was born & raised in Brooklyn, in Tokyo for 10 years, and still can’t believe how clean these trains are!!